i am fearless...

"FEARLESS is: Saying gudbye to u hu only hurts me,even wen i can't breathe without u.Falling inlove with u, even knowing ur inlove with sum1 else. I hate dat she hurt u & u still love her. I hate dat I never have hurt u yet im just a friend...(sigh") sniff

A Letter For All the Males out there!

dear males,

i dunno why i am doin' this but im just bored. so i thought that it won't really hurt if i make a letter for all of you through this bloggie of mine (as if all of you coud really read this :)) but seriously, i really do hope & pray that God will make a way for you to stumble by my blogpage and be able to know what is on my mind. Just as i thought that guys aren't typical readers. so if by chance you are reading this and you are a guy (as in a male species), id like you to know that you are one of a kind! Congratulations!!! yepee yepee! haha! :)) Guys who take time to read mushiness and stuff like this are intellegent! For me, it means a lot! It goes to show that he is interested to learn and to get more ideas...and undeniably, they have a lot to share too! Ooopppsss!

hello again male species! i quite really dunno which one to say first. All i know is that there is a lot of things in my mind that i want to just spit out right here. But let me tell you guys that this is just about you. You, yourself and no one but you! hehe...read on! :)

when you guys say 'i love you', we women really take it by heart. Our hearts jumps up and down. So please, don't just say it for the sake of saying it! Say it when you really mean it! Dont ever say it just because you want to acquire something! In my own point of view, the most abused word widely used by males in a relationship is "i love you" without even thinking twice what will be the outcome after it has been said. Good or bad, the word should come with accountability and responsibility. So STOP the heck of messing with our lives with that 3-word sentence!

women are complicated, you all say that, dont you? if we women are complicated, so why then you still complicate your life a lot by dating us? You guys are really funny, aren't you? Why can't you just stop staring at us even when we are dining with your fellow male species? Why can't you stop sending us messages even in midnight just to say 'goodnight & sweet dreams' and forget saying it to your girlfriends? am i telling a familiar story? And when your gf finds out about the 'crime' you have done, automatically, you deny! And say, it was the girl who texted your first and showed a special motive. Oh c'mmon guys! LOOK guys, can't you see? your'e just making a mess like you are combining the 5-course meal in a blender and krrrrrrrr!!! the outcome is a mishmash! yuck! can you imagine drinking it out from a blender! i couldnt imagine how that taste but im sure its really yuckie! Its rude to suggest this or even say this but hey guys, dont get an ugly woman if your eyes can't stop roaming around for pretty ladies! make up your mind once and for all!

before i end this letter, i want to say one last thing which i hope you guys will agree. i kinda' know that when guys say 'its just a game', 'its just a fling', 'she's nothing'...it means something! (i hope not!). Boys will always be boys! playful, right? married or engaged, you guys really love to play fire! hahaha! :)) Just dont play fire too much, it might burn someone's heart! ***) smiles!

be careful guys! girls knows how to play as well, its even better! ***) winkies!

POSTSCRIPT: be watchful especially when you know some girl cried because of you! (familiar with the word 'karma!?) hahahaha :))

from a limited lady with unrequitted feelings - purple piglet

The Coolest Ice

i have nothing really in mind right now to write about. But i found myself unable to sleep and i finally turned my lights on - but to my dismay, i dunno what to do other than listening to the songs i really love that i have downloaded in my bearshare 2 months ago. i am a nocturnal type of person, so more like, i am active during the night time than during day time. i dont like chatting right now either, so as usual, i am invisible. nyahahaha!

...there is coffee, there is food in the fridge, i know there are friends who are still awake at this wee hours of the night but i just don't want to text or call them or send them private message. i just really cant figure out right now what do i have to do! Writing or i should say, updating this bloggie after almost two months of being not in the mood to write about my personal thoughts just came to my system again. i dont know if i am a better writer when i am inlove or melancholic. But i think, when i am happy and inlove, its just too hard to put on words about how i feel. So what about how i feel right now? Oh well, i must admit, i am inlove right now! OOpppppsss! Dont stop reading yet please! Eventhough i just said that i dont write a better blog when i am inlove, I am really trying very hard right now to better entertain your eyes and your brain to at least take something out from this or just to appreciate this one. Hahahaha! :) just give it a wild try though!

When i am inlove, i am becoming more and more norturnal! See, i am saying it again! (I hope i wont say that again later!). Well, maybe i am staying up all night when I am inlove because i am figuring things out if what will be the outcome of what i am feeling. Will it be beneficial? Will it destroy me? Or will it be rather better to keep it to myself and suffer...or the worst, be brave to admit it to the concerned and face rejection. On the other hand, i am also hopeful that everything wil turn out all right for me and everyone else soon without getting anyone hurt! I dont want to solicit for advices like for me to make the first move! Thats a BIG NO NO for me! I may be a big pack of guts, but i never have the guts in breaking the coolest ice ever when it comes to unrequitted feelings! If it is 'unsaid', i let it remain unsaid! So i guess, i am not so brave after all. tsk tsk tsk...

So what now? Yes, I AM INLOVE! That's big and bold! Okay? If you are interested enough to know, just text me or ask me in person who that guy is! I'd like to believe that he is lucky enough because i am not gonna ask for commitment nor a relationship! I still want to remain friends - pure friendship! Hahahaha! Thats a great defense mechanism of mine! hahahahaha :)) Oh well, I am saying pure friendship because i am just having reservations for myself coz i am aware that not every person we love can love us back the way we want, so i rather have to remain friends with no expectations of love or feelings! Just for me, having this bloggie right now for public to read is already enough - writing is my outlet! So someday, when my 'unrequited feelings' will come to pass, i can get back to this blog again and laugh myself out! Honestly, i am praying and wishing that my feeling would just go away like i will just have to take a shower and then its gone! But i know its never that easy! Sniffff... :(

To that one special guy, i have no idea if you ever pass by this blog or not! but this one goes for you...

i can't let you pass me by i just can't let you go,

and i know that i am much too shy to let you know,

afraid that i might say the wrong words and displease you

Or for love to fade before it can come true...

What the heck!!! Nyahahaha! So i am nocturnal huh? Shut me up! Shut me up! I am inlove, so thats more like it! I wonder when i can get to my normal sleep again...Sniff :(

Alas, i know for myself that the coolest ice of my life can never be broken all by myself...I NEED THE FORCE OF THE GUY WHO GOT THE AX! Winks... *** ^_^

It Rained...

Drizzling season is around the bend. I couldn’t help but think that it’s going to be a time again that the roads will be drenched, sometimes muggy and grimy too! One thing more, clothes on the laundry will take two or three days to dry up! Despite of these self-confessed grumbles I have about the rain, I honestly love the rain! My admiration for the rainy season bangs all my grumbles! So to sum it all up, rainy season is my favorite of all!

I know I am not the only person who loves the drizzles of waters coming from ‘heaven’. Everyone may have their own reasons why they love the rain but one thing I am really sure of is that, to farmers, the drizzles of rain means a pour out of blessing – for their land to drink on after an arid summer, and for their crops to grow up vigorously and get a fruitful harvest! Personally, I love the rain on a mysterious ground. I realized now that I have no exact personal reason why I love rainy season. It seems to me now that I don’t have a novelty for that. What I know is that, I love the rain for the fact that it helps the farmers have a fruitful reap. So my issue now is to really reflect and look deep within my heart why I love the rain! The very first thing that I could think of why I love the rain is its ability to make hyperactive people pause for a while and find a comfort zone or shelter in order not to get soaked. A good conversation can sprout while we are in an awkward moment waiting for the rain to stop along with a few who do the same thing like us! A lot of meeting can happen while the rain pours in! In some romantic film, we take a glimpse sometimes of two lovers kissing passionately under the rainfall and they don’t care at all whether they will get sick or get soggy! It makes me think that even the film directors have the same thing in mind like me and they agree that a rainfall is not just a simple drop of waters! That there is just something mysterious and dreamy about the rain! I heard lot of people say that it’s pleasant to cuddle up with a loved one when it rains…have a cup of coffee, watch TV or watch the rain from the windowpane until it weakens. Another thing I can think why I love rainy season is sleep! I love taking short naps when it rains and just have a wistful mood. As a child, I remember playing in the rain with my playmates and I guess, those were the best times of my childhood!

On the contrary, there are few people who compare the raindrops to their tears! Its rainy days of my life as some people would say it when they go through a thorny phase of their lives! Well, everybody have their own opinion. I cannot go against that! It’s just a matter of how we scrutinize things in our lives.

As a lesson to this, instead of viewing things in a destructive way, we better learn to see things in a constructive way! Of course, there are times when rains can destruct the mother nature but lets bear in mind that rain was never created to destruct! It was created in the very first place to nurture the earth!

So even if you don’t like the rain be mindful that…

After the rain, there’s sunshine and sometimes God draws out a rainbow to make life more colorful!

MELANCHOLY ^_^

...there are just people who normally exist in this world who makes me feel really awful! THOUGH i know people like that really normally exist, i still find it odd that i am affected by their presence. its not AWE "ful" but AWFUL!!!

:(( right now, i just really want to cry my heart out and wallow in self pity but i dunno why my tear gland right now is so greedy to ever give me just a drop of tear. but i feel really really bad. hard to describe how i feel right now, but men! it really sucks! it leads me to this decisive moment. TO GET RID OF THE SOURCE OF MY PROBLEM! if you gonna ask me why is it a very quick decision, well, because i have also tried to fix it ASAP! but i think, i failed. so right now, i am left with no choice but to get rid of the source!

The photograph i attached is one that describes me best right now. my dulldrum status... :(( any hugs for me? :(( i feel blue!

Life is too short to feel angry and to wallow in feeling awful. it makes my vital signs goes abnormally high, and makes me feel that my chest is much heavier than my real weight. Oh boy! i really hate this! :(( i wanna cry! excuse me...snifffffffff! :(( huhu

LESSON: Life isn't a problem to be solved, but a gift to be enjoyed!

mushiness escapade : BF WANTED!

I consider myself to be a confident, smart, sweet, and very kind girlfriend and friend. I value honesty from my partner and goodness from the heart. I'm a very simple person but at the same time, I have style and presence. I love my family, my friends, and I would do anything in my power to make them all happy and be there for them always. I respect good values and effort.

I demand true genuine love, and the commitment that it takes while someone is with me. I'm still a child at heart like every boy and girl, but you can fail to bring out that "little girl" out of me if you are clumsy! Or maybe you just dont know how to handle me and take good care of me. Nyahahahaha! :)) I'm passionate and loving as a girlfriend. You have to learn that everyone needs his or her own space to continue growing as an individual. I believe that trust and open communication can prevent misunderstandings in a relationship and prevent pain (as what i have said), which I'm sure we all have experienced many times before and lately. I'm not looking for perfection, but instead I'm looking for DEVOTION. I'm ready to even give up everything for that one special guy, even my career. But i really dunno if he could give up things for me and the fun he currently enjoys which i know wouldnt last, but I'm ready to give him up anytime if i sense im bullied and abandoned in one little corner of his life. i want him to be strong for me and honest. and i want him to be that someone who will work hard for what he wants; someone that won't be scared to be reborn from the ashes and build a new and better life and build a love and dream with me; someone that doesn't run when CONFLICT appears at his door; i DESPERATELY want a MAN OF HIS WORDS, a child at heart, who will like to smile and laugh always with my company, play, live life to his fullest, to love and respect himself and me. He can do that by fixing his life and reorganizing it back again (if he thinks its broken :)) . He should be a strong and gentle man that I can be proud to call him my man, my companion, my friend, my lover, my husband, my partner in crime.

It's easy to find beauty, but it's hard to find true love. Learn to value what is inside of the box... I’m not saying the outside does not carry it's importance but question is: are we happy together? Of course, one without the other does not complete its purpose. I want a boyfriend THAT I CAN TALK TO WITHOUT WORDS, that I can let myself go and feel protected and cherished.

ANY COMMENTS & RECOMMENDATIONS? Nyahahaha! winks winks winks *****

Fairly Well...

God has been real good to me. Since my last post, and my scheduled on & off duties in and out from clinical life, things have been fairly well. Although my spiritual life has been abandoned, I have been able to cope with my emotional agressions somewhat decently. Maybe less or more on some points; it depends on the current of my mood. :))

My friends have been there throughout my fluctuations and holds me tender during those moments. When defeat proposes itself to me, they stand firm beside me. At times they want to rip their hair off because of the awful way I make them feel. Yet, weeks after weeks they continue to support me.

Stress has played a big part in my emotional fluctuations. The whole month of May was a time-off for me. Strangely, I really do enjoy being free from duties and some social responsibilites and not worry so much about my career. I have been making progress with my career slash hobby - blogging! Every project I accept is deliberate.

I have been trying to let go some hurts and pains from the past. But some, I just can't seem to drive out of my system... Fears that I cannot overcome... Disappointments I can't seem to erase. From time to time, it comes back to haunt my mind and at a fashion that leaves me broken than ever.

God's mercy has been the only sustainance I have. The hope that I have in Him gives me reason to continue and pursue this sometimes miserable life I have. Joy comes so swiftly and leaves as soon as it arrives. Mourning tends to pass slow like a tumble weed on a windless desert.

Oh well! I guess that's life. Deal with it or it will deal you out! As my 3 year old niece always says,"What the heck!" Nyahahahahahaaaaaa. I should just carry on. I just thought I should update this BLOGIE for those who still show interest in me (that's the drama part) and to help me release some thoughts.

Hope to receive some hugs from you my dear friend(s). And to you my knight in shining armor who continues to swift me off of my feet... I love you FOREVER.